


I'm Not Afraid

by nohyuck (infinitethe8)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Donghyuck is an unreliable narrator, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, everyone else is mentioned - Freeform, johntentae are a thing, norenhyuckmin happens at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 04:05:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15677685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitethe8/pseuds/nohyuck
Summary: Lee Donghyuck learns two important things: how to be fearless and how to be themselves.Warning: includes an anxiety attack and description of gender dysphoria





	I'm Not Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by I'm Not Afraid and I'm So Afraid by Holland. If you haven't listened to them or read the lyrics, I highly recommend that you do. 
> 
> A big shout out to my lovely friend Anniee who read over this story multiple times and helped motivate me to finish it. I love you Annie, thanks again!
> 
> *Donghyuck goes by both He/Him and They/Them. More will be explained in the fic.

Donghyuck had always been, just Donghyuck.

He was lucky enough to grow up in a household where he never thought much about fitting a mold. He didn't have to act or dress a certain way, he never had to question who he was.

Becoming an idol changed that.

Donghyuck had known for a while that being male, that being considered a he, didn't feel right _all_ the time.

Sometimes they were just Donghyuck, simple as that.

Donghyuck knew how dangerous it was, to believe, to _feel_ outside the gender binary but he couldn’t make himself care.

Lee Donghyuck had always been fearless.

Or so he thought. That was all before he joined an industry that choked the individuality out of their products, that shamed their artists until they repressed everything deemed abnormal. The idol industry was a war zone and Donghyuck knew that anyone knowing about _them,_ was a guarantee that he would never perform on a stage again.

Donghyuck chose to ignore it all, to keep the thoughts hidden until they spilled down his face in the shower, to lock the feelings away until he couldn't breath.

If he's guaranteed even a chance at success, he would do anything, even if that meant hiding _themselves_ away.

Donghyuck was one of the lucky ones. He became a trainee for the biggest music company in all of Seoul. He passed all of his training, became part of SM Rookies and was decently liked by the public. SM guaranteed him a debut, but he had to wait, he had to be patient.

Donghyuck waited, he trained for years and becomes friends with the other trainees. They became his family, they filled the empty space in his chest and he would forever be grateful to them.

Donghyuck debuted in not one but two units. He wore the brand of NCT proudly, even as his lines in 127 grew shorter and his persona became more obnoxious.

Donghyuck liked Haechan at first. There was a thrill of being called by another name, of being someone who he is not. For a few hours in his day, Donghyuck can pretend to be _them._

He started to hate the name Haechan when SM decided he had to fit the role of evil maknae.

Donghyuck knew his part was an act but he started to question whether his hyungs really liked him or not. They showed their annoyance of him and they begun to pull away from him with the excuse that he was too much of a brat.

A name never became such a burden until then.

Donghyuck stuck to Dream and found a safe haven there. In Dream he was still Haechan but it was different. Donghyuck could be pretty and soft, he didn't need to pretend to be ‘manly’ like 127’s Haechan.

Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin became his safety net and he loved them a little _too_ much, but he tried not to dwell on that often. They never made Donghyuck feel less than he was because he did not want to act or dress like every other boy.

Donghyuck didn't have the courage to tell them that he wasn't like every other boy, _sometimes he wasn't even a boy._

 

* * *

 

NCT had a day off for the first time in months. Donghyuck knew it was only because 2018 promotions would begin soon.  

Still, Donghyuck had made plans.

It was one of those days where they didn't feel right in their body. They had a nice body, they just didn't want to be called _he_ or _him,_ they just wanted to be _them._

They dressed in their favorite pink oversized sweater that went down to their knees and black jeans. They didn't look in the mirror, it was never a good idea to look in the mirror when their dysphoria was present, but they hoped they looked cute.

They exited their room and spotted some of their hyungs playing in the living room. They internally groaned, they hoped they would be able to sneak out easily. Oh well, they couldn't keep their friend waiting.

Donghyuck made their way through the hall and noticed that none of the hyungs had paid them any attention. They went to the door to put on their shoes, pretending their heart wasn't breaking at the fact that none of their hyungs had even acknowledged them.

They closed the door softly, whispering a soft “I'll be back” to deaf ears.

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck arrived at the cafe and was surprised to see their friend hadn't arrived yet. They sat down at an empty table and sighed.

They didn't get to see their friend that often so they should be happy but all they could think about was the other members.

 _Not a single person heard me, they didn't even care that I left,_ they thought sadly.

Their thoughts were interrupted by the bell and they smiled when they saw who it was. The person went to the register to order before lightly jogging towards them.

“Hansol hyung!” They yelled excitedly as their hyung hugged them.

“Well if it isn't my favorite person in the world” Hansol said as he placed a kiss on Donghyuck's cheek. They squealed in happiness as they soaked up all the love and affection. Their members would never be this affectionate so they had to enjoy it.

“How are you pumpkin?” Hansol asked as they sat down. Donghyuck felt warm at the pet name, it felt _so_ nice to be loved.

“I'm okay, it's just one of _those_ days y’know” Donghyuck said as they looked down.

Hansol was the only person that knew about _them._ When Hansol was still a part of SM, he had walked in on Donghyuck having an anxiety attack. Hansol calmed Donghyuck down and listened as Donghyuck cried about feeling wrong and abnormal.

 _Don't say that!,_ Hansol had said firmly, _You aren't wrong or weird. You feel what you feel and you are who you are. Just because you're not a boy all the time doesn't change that. You'll always be my favorite dongsaeng regardless of what you choose to identify as._

Hansol would become their only confidant. He listened to Donghyuck whenever their dysphoria got too bad and he let Donghyuck wear whatever they wanted around him.

 _Clothes aren't gendered, like its just fabric duh,_ Donghyuck had said, _But sometimes wearing feminine things helps._

Hansol never judged Donghyuck, he helped them buy clothes that they were too afraid to buy themselves and even helped them find more information about what they were experiencing.

 _Most of it is in English, America seems to be a lot more open minded,_ Hansol remarked, _But I think I can understand some of it. There's genderfluid, Nonbinary and so much more._

 _It says here that they sometimes feel like a girl,_ Donghyuck had said as they tried their best to read someone's experience as a genderfluid person, _I don't think I've ever felt that but maybe it's because the idea of wanting to be called a girl would feel too nice and it scares me._

 _You make a pretty girl Dongsookie,_ Hansol had teased in good nature.

Donghyuck had blushed remembering the skit they had done. Now that had been a good day.

“It's a they/them day then?” Hansol asked. Hansol always made sure to ask what their pronouns were for the day whenever they met. It was something they had read about online together.

“Yup” Donghyuck said. “I think I'm getting more use to these kind of days, it's just hard because of everything”

Their order was called and Hansol went to get it. He brought Donghyuck’s favorite drink and Donghyuck almost cried. Hansol always knew how to cheer them up.

“I know we never touch on it but do you ever think of telling the members?” Hansol asked gently. He knew Donghyuck and the rest of their hyungs had a rocky relationship.

Donghyuck sighed, “I do think about it. It gets so overwhelming sometimes. I know they don't mean it in a bad way but their words get to me. It feels like I'm going to burst at any second”

Donghyuck looked at their hands and noticed their nail polish was chipping. They smiled slightly when they remembered how excited Chenle had been to paint their nails.

“I think if I told Dream, they'd be supportive. Jisung and Chenle are really accepting and I know that Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin would understand. They would probably apologize for misgendering me then yell at me for not telling them.” They said before looking intensely at their cup.

“But then…I think about my hyungs.” Donghyuck said, their hands fidgeting, “I think about Mark, who grew up with God and not every religious person is homophobic but when you're like _this_ , when you're like _me_ , you can't take that chance. I think about all the other hyungs who grew up here or in other countries where people like _me_ are seen as second class citizens, as oddities and abnormalities, it scares me."

Donghyuck looked up as their eyes watered. Their eyeliner and mascara were waterproof but they didn't want to risk it.

“Hyuckie.” Hansol whispered as he grabbed both of Donghyuck's hands, “Baby, you have to know that you're safe with them, with _me._ ”

Donghyuck's lips wobbled and Hansol took that as the opportunity for them to leave. They held hands all the way to the park, ignoring all the judging looks they received and sat on the swings.

Donghyuck let out a little cry as the tears they tried to hold in escaped them. They buried themself into Hansol’s embrace. Hansol rocked them back and forth and whispered _it's okay_ over and over.

“Why can't I be normal?” Donghyuck sobbed, “I don't want them to hate me. They're going to hate me.”

“Shh. It's all going to be okay sweetie. They're going to love you, the _real_ you, I promise”

Donghyuck continued to cry quietly. Why was fate so cruel to him?

 

 

_It's in the mirror, no, it's you. I'm so so afraid._

 

* * *

 

Hansol walked them home after they stopped crying. Hansol insisted and well, Donghyuck never rejected people's affection.

“You're going to be okay” Hansol whispered to them as they hugged outside the 127 dorm, “As long as I've know you, you've been fearless. It's okay to be afraid, but it's not okay to let the fear stop you from being happy. Show that fear who's boss, don't let it win.”

Donghyuck had to hold back tears again when Hansol gave them the speech. They just chuckled and told him to stop being cheesy.

Hansol plopped one more kiss on their cheek before leaving. He promised to come by more often as he walked down the stairs.

 _Well here goes nothing_ , Donghyuck thought as they entered the dorm.

Donghyuck walked into the dorm quietly. They took their shoes off and noticed that dorm was loud and busy.

 _Oh great, here w_ e go.

Donghyuck walked into the living room and saw the rest of NCT sprawled across the three couches that somehow fit into the small space. They often wondered how a room could hold so many people.

“Oh hey Hyuck, you're back!” Jeno called out with an eye smile and Donghyuck had to stop themself from swooning.

“Hyuck is back? He didn't let anyone know where he went” Mark said from the couch where he and Jaehyun were playing video games.

Donghyuck flinched at Mark's wording.

_He. He. He._

Donghyuck felt their skin crawl, they could feel the tension in every bone of their body. Their lungs felt constricted, as if at any moment they would collapse. They hid their shaky hands behind their back.

“ _He's_ back” Jaemin said happily, “We missed _him_ earlier when we were playing dance dance revolution.”

Every time Jaemin said he, it felt like Donghyuck was being punched in the gut. They took a step back as they struggled to breath in and out.

 _Wrong, wrong, wrong,_ repeated over and over in Donghyuck's mind. They wanted to claw at their skin, tear it apart and reconstruct it until Donghyuck looked the way they wanted. They weren't a boy, _not a boy,_ not at the moment and Donghyuck felt sick to their stomach.

“Next time _he_ should let people know where _he_ went” Taeyong chided from the couch closest to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck’s throat swelled up, their breaths coming in short. Their fingers digged into their palm as tears welled up in their eyes.

 _Please stop,_ they begged internally, _please please i beg of you!_

They wanted to escape but they felt frozen in place. Everything was too much and they couldn’t think and didn't know how to _make it stop._ Their mind was going too fast, _too much,_ and they knew they were on the brink of an anxiety attack.

“Hyuck? Are you okay?” Renjun asked as he stood up.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at Donghyuck. They wanted to cry, they hated when people looked at them when they were like this.

“Fine, fine, fine” Donghyuck repeated, words stumbling out of their mouth. Everything felt fuzzy and unreal, almost like a nightmare.

“Hyuckie.” Jaemin said softly, “You're safe, it's okay.”

Donghyuck felt themselves shake their head. _Not safe! No! Not okay!_

“F-Fine”

“Baby” Jeno called out as he took a few steps closer to Donghyuck, not enough to overcrowd them but enough to catch them in the worst case scenario. “It's okay, we're not going to hurt you.”

 _Jeno. Jeno is safe,_ Donghyuck's mind supplied as they took another step back, _Jaemin and Renjun are safe. They are my home._

Donghyuck could feel blood run down their hands from where their nails had dug into their palm. They felt their head ache from how hard Donghyuck was trying to breath normally.

“What's wrong with Hyuck?” They heard Chenle whisper in concern to Taeyong.

“ _He's_ having a panic attack, it's okay, _he's_ going to be okay.” Taeyong responded back in attempt to sooth Chenle’s worries.

Donghyuck felt their resolve shatter. They gripped at their hair, their hands smearing blood on their face. They felt their lungs burn at the lack of oxygen.

_Tired, so tired. No more! No! More! NO MORE!!_

“Not a boy!” Donghyuck cried out, tears falling down their face, “It's the same every day! He, him, his! I am not a boy!”

Donghyuck knew they was barely making any sense but they were tired, upset, panicking and it was all _too much_. Their body was collapsing as the foundation of their friendships shattered before their eyes.

“Donghyuck, what are you saying? Of course you're a boy!” Taeyong told them in attempt to calm them down.

Donghyuck sobbed at Taeyong’s words, “I'm they, them, theirs. I'm not a boy. Please, Please, I'm not a boy, I promise”

Donghyuck heard the silence in the room. The only noise that could be heard was his cries as all of NCT looked at him in what he assumed to be disbelief.

“Don't hate me, I'm so sorry” Donghyuck cried before running towards the door. They didn't know where they were going but they need to get away

They could hear the rest of NCT calling out for them. They could hear Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin begging for them to return.

Donghyuck ran up the stairs and never looked back.

 

 

_If you run away, it's you._

 

* * *

 

The first thing Donghyuck felt when they woke up was the cold floor. They remembered running to the roof and collapsing to the ground in tears.

They breathed in and out in order to stop the anxiety from rising again.

_They were okay, they were okay, it's all going to be okay._

Donghyuck calmed themselves down by doing the breathing exercises that Hansol had shown them how to do.

 _Hansol is a blessing,_ they thought as they got up from the floor. They stretched and sat down near the edge of the building and watched the sunset.

 _What am I going to do?_ They thought to themselves as they looked at their blood  stained hands. They had just come out to their entire group and now they were going to die.

Okay, they weren't going to die but Donghyuck knew for sure that their singing career was over. They would never get to be on stage again.

They sighed. Donghyuck hadn't even explored their gender identity completely and now everything was a mess.

The door to the roof opened and Donghyuck tensed. _Oh no, here it was, they were going to tell them how much of a freak they were._

Footsteps got closer and closer and Donghyuck breathed in and out. _Everything is going to be fine,_ they thought as the person sat down next to them.

“Oh Hyuckie.” The voice said softly to them. Donghyuck blinked away tears as they turned to look at who was next to them.

“Why didn't you tell us baby?” Ten asked, “You know you can tell us anything, you can trust us”

Donghyuck got whiplash. They stared at Ten in shock, “You guys don't hate me?”

Ten gave Donghyuck a small smile as he brought his hand up to their face. Ten softly rubbed his thumb on Donghyuck's cheek. Donghyuck looked into Ten’s eyes and saw nothing but sincerity and love in them.

“How could we hate you silly?” Ten asked, “You're still our Hyuckie. Nothing changes because you're not a boy. We all just wished you felt comfortable telling us this. We messed up honey, and that's not on you.”

_They're not mad? They...They’re okay with it…?_

“Holy shit” Donghyuck said in disbelief before they burst into tears.

Ten pulled them into a hug and Donghyuck wept into Ten’s sweater.

“It's okay, let it out sweetie” Ten said as he rubbed Donghyuck's back. Donghyuck just cried more. They felt undeserving of all the love and support Ten was giving them.

“Thank you, thank you” Donghyuck repeated, unable to believe that everyone had just accepted them. It was unreal to them. If they had hated themselves for so long after finding out they weren't a boy, how could they accept it so easily?

“You don't have to thank us. We would never stop loving you just because you don't feel like the gender you were assigned to at birth. You'll always be the same person to us.” Ten said while pulling them closer.

“I...I thought you guys would think I'm a freak.” They mumbled.

Ten shook his head sadly, “Never. We would never think that. No one is a freak for being who they are.”

“Thank you, just thank you” Donghyuck breathed out.

They closed their eyes, tear tracks drying on their cheeks. The weight on their shoulder lifted and _finally_ they felt like they could breath again.

 

 

_You don't have to uselessly force it, the one who will untangle that knot is you_

 

* * *

 

It took a lot of persuading in order for Donghyuck to leave the roof. The roof had always been Donghyuck's safe space. Ten was persistent and finally after begging and threatening to tell Taeyong who really broke his favorite necklace, Donghyuck agreed to face everyone.

“I promise that no one is going to yell or disown you. We all talked about it and everyone is okay with it. They just have questions” Ten began, “Some of us have never been exposed to something like this before and we don't want to be uneducated and hurt you in the process. We want you to talk to us and remind us because some of us won't get it right away.”

“Okay” Donghyuck said quietly, “It's not something I'm use to talking about but I'll do my best to explain how I feel.”

Ten nodded, “That's all we ask for. You don't have to say everything, just help us understand.”

When they reached the door to the 127 dorm, Ten stopped.

“I know I persuaded you to face everyone but let me know now if you don't want to do this. Your safety and well being comes first okay?”

“I need to do this, I've been putting this off for months.” Donghyuck said firmly, “ I'm a bad bitch, I can do this”

They were glad Hansol’s pep talks had stuck to them because they were highkey panicking.

Ten laughed, “That's my kid”

Donghyuck blushed a little at the pride in Ten’s voice as he called Donghyuck his kid. They were also happy that Ten had avoided calling them his son.

Donghyuck swallowed their anxiety down as they opened the door. _It's now or never._

They walked in with Ten behind them.  As soon as they got to the living room, they noticed everyone looking at them.

_Oh god, never mind, I take it back I’m not ready._

Donghyuck turned around but Ten gave them a look.

“You can do it” Ten whispered. Donghyuck sighed and turned around.

“Uh, hi?” They said awkwardly as they fidgeted under all the attention they were getting.

Renjun suddenly stood up. He brushed off Jeno who was loudly whispering at him to sit down.

“You absolute moron.”

“Huang Renjun!”

Renjun quickly walked over and Donghyuck stilled. They knew Renjun would never hurt them but hate made people do awful things, even to those they loved.

Renjun launched himself at Donghyuck, his arms wrapping around them in a hug. Donghyuck breathed out in relief, a small giggle escaping them.

“You absolute dumbass” Renjun whispered into his ear, “ _We_ love you so much, _I_ love you so much. Nothing will ever change that.”

Renjun pulled away and smiled at them. Donghyuck blushed and avoided his eyes.

“This is gay, let me in” Jaemin said from his seat next to them before hugging both of them close.

“I _love_ you Hyuckie, I'm so sorry if I upset you earlier. I'll do better, I'll be better, for _you.”_ Jaemin said into their ear.

Donghyuck's face was probably red from blushing. They were stuck in a hug with two of three people who they had the biggest crush on.

_This is fine. Oh my god Renjun is so close, Jaemin is holding my hand, please end me._

“We're missing someone” Jaemin said as he wiggled his eyebrows.

Jeno rolled his eyes but got up and joined their group hug.

“I'm sorry. I love you _so much_ and I need you to know that will never change. You're still my sarcastic, beautiful, Donghyuck” Jeno said softly to him.

Donghyuck wanted to scream. Can they please marry Lee Jeno, can they _PLEASE_ marry Lee Jeno?

“Not that i don't love public displays of affection and polygamy but can we go back to what we really need to talk about. Not that we won't be talking about this later, because we will”

Donghyuck pouted as Doyoung spoke up, causing their hug to break up and for them to have to face everyone again.

Renjun and Jaemin dragged Jeno away from Donghyuck and they stood there awkwardly again, unsure of what to say.

“I want to apologize” Taeyong said as he looked at Donghyuck, “I know I'm your leader but I'm also your hyung. I should've made this a safer environment where you would feel more at ease to speak to me or anyone else about what you were going through. I'm really sorry. I also misgendered you earlier and even though I was unaware, i want to apologize.”

Donghyuck stood there a little shocked but they ultimately walked over and plopped onto their hyung’s lap. They cuddled against Taeyong who placed a kiss on their head. There were no words needed to know that everything was okay between them. Donghyuck got comfortable because they knew they had a long talk ahead of them.

“It's okay. I accept the apologies but you guys didn't know. I should've said something, I know but it's hard. Being like this is hard.” Donghyuck started.

“What do you feel? We want to understand.” Yuta said and Donghyuck could see the genuine interest in his eyes. They knew that Yuta was one of the most educated members in their group. He often educated the group on political issues and spoke up for marginalized groups every time he could. 

“Hansol hyung-”

“ _Hansol?_ ”

“Oh yeah, he knew. He once walked in on me having an anxiety attack about all of this and I just spilled everything. He's been helping me come to terms with it. He's the best.” Donghyuck gushed.

“I'm glad you weren’t going through it all completely alone then” Johnny said as he smiled at Donghyuck who smiled back.

“Anyway, Hansol hyung has been helping me find information. There's a lot of gender identities out there but I haven't found the one that fits me. Maybe I never will. Some days I feel like a boy and you guys calling me a he doesn't bother me. Some days my entire being feels wrong and I want to be _them._ I don't want to be a boy or a girl, I just want to be me. I just want to wear whatever I want and be Lee Donghyuck that's not defined by who or what they are. I like they/them pronouns on those days.”

Donghyuck spent the entire night explaining what they felt and how other people's experiences helped them. None of the members ever looked disinterested or disgusted.  They just wanted to understand them better.

They noticed that they never felt afraid to speak up or correct someone. They were fearless, they were the Donghyuck they always knew they could be.

 

 

_I'm not afraid anymore, I'm not, not, afraid anymore_

 

* * *

 

It took everyone a few weeks for them to get use to the new changes. Some members got it right away and some took longer. Donghyuck never minded, he was just glad the members were putting in the effort to understand them.

It wasn't easy, sometimes people slipped up and sometimes Donghyuck let the voices in his head push them away from everyone, but they were _trying._ Donghyuck would never ask for a better group of friends, of _family._

Donghyuck never tried to find a label, they didn't need one but he allowed himself to try and understand what felt right and what felt wrong. He liked alternating between pronouns, it was just something they liked but there were still days when dysphoria peeked it’s ugly head and they only wanted to use certain pronouns. Those were his he/him or they/them days as he called them and they made sure to let everyone know what pronouns would be used that day.

Gender was always evolving, it was a process of discovery so he let it be. They would know when they were done. He just let himself breath and tried to never get stuck in his thoughts for too long.

Donghyuck was _happy,_ they could finally be who they wanted to be. He became fearless and wore whatever he wanted around the dorms. It had taken some persuading from Ten and Taeyong for him to dress as he wanted but now he confidently wore a skirt around the dorm almost every other day.

Donghyuck thought about his members and how lucky they were to have them. Ten, Jungwoo, Yuta, Doyoung and Taeyong loved to dress him up. They said he was just too cute and well, Donghyuck was a sucker for compliments. He appreciated their efforts to make him more comfortable and it made the idea of buying feminine clothing less scary.

Chenle and Jisung had been so excited to paint his nails and put makeup on him. Chenle was always finding new nail designs for him to try on Donghyuck who let him do as he pleased. Jisung loved doing other people's makeup and he got better every day, mostly due to practicing on Donghyuck nonstop.

The bros aka Jaehyun, Johnny, Yukhei and Mark were probably his favorite group of people. He was worried about how they would react to them but he honestly shouldn't have been worried at all. Yukhei gave him a giant hug and told him that he would support _them_  no matter what and then asked them to help him beat Mark at Mario Kart. Jaehyun always complimented Donghyuck's outfits and told them how pretty they looked before ruffling their hair. The small part of Donghyuck that had been in love with Jaehyun during their trainee days flourished. Those feelings had long disappeared but one of the most attractive boys he had ever seen was complimenting him on a daily, it was inevitable to swoon and sigh.

Mark had been one of his closest friends growing up so he had been worried about his reaction the most. Mark had just hugged him and apologized for making him scared to talk to him about it. Donghyuck cried a little but Mark did too so he thought it was a fair trade. They exchanged I love you’s and went back to bickering with one another.

Johnny was someone that Donghyuck considered a father figure, along with Taeyong and Ten, who Johnny was coincidentally dating. Johnny had pulled them in for a hug and kissed his forehead. _I'm proud of you kiddo,_ Johnny had said as Donghyuck teared up and called him cheesy.

Kun, Taeil and Winwin had been more reserved about their reactions but they both smothered them in little gestures of affection. Kun cooked Donghyuck’s favorite meal after denying Renjun’s request multiple times and Winwin only allowed Donghyuck to kiss him. Taeil allowed Donghyuck to eat sweets before dinner and let them curl up next to him as he read.

“What's making you think so hard?” Jeno asked from where he was cuddling with Renjun and Jaemin on the bed.

“Brave of you to assume Hyuck thinks” Jaemin’s muffled voice said.

“Play nice”

Renjun flicked Jaemin’s ear and Jaemin let out a whine. He turned to look at Jeno who looked done with the situation even before it had begun.

“Injunnie is being mean to me” He complained. Donghyuck just chuckled as they headed to the bed to join them.

“Then play nice or Hyuckie won't kiss you” Jeno retorted.

“Psh, Hyuckie loves my kisses too much to deny me” Jaemin said smugly as he winked at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck rolled their eyes as they got on the bed and tried to find where they could squeeze in to join their cuddle pile.

“I'm sure they'll agree with me when I say Jeno is a better kisser” Renjun teased and Jaemin started to complain again.

Donghyuck leaned over and kissed Jaemin on the lips. The kiss was quick, almost a peck and Jaemin whined when they pulled away.

“No fighting, only cuddles” They said as they leaned over to kiss both Jeno and Renjun.

They all adjudged themselves so they would fit on the bed. It took a few minutes but they were all well secured and snuggled together. The last time they cuddled, Jaemin had been pushed off the bed. Donghyuck and Renjun had laughed helplessly as Jeno handled Jaemin's complaints.

 _Get a boyfriend they said, it'll be fun they said,_ Jeno had complained.

 _They said get a boyfriend,_ Renjun had pointed out, _As in singular. They didn’t say to get three_

 _Yeah but the more the merrier! Imagine only dating one of us, how boring!_ Jaemin had proclaimed.

Donghyuck had just watched amused as their boyfriends talked. Jaemin had a point, they didn't think they could date just one of them. It felt right for them to all be together, they would only ever be complete as four.

“You're thinking again,” Renjun said, “I can hear your thoughts from here”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, “Haha, very funny”

“What's up?” Jaemin asked sleepily. Jaemin was always the quickest to fall asleep when they cuddled together.

They shook their head, a smile on their face as they looked at the three boys near them. They had given them the world, had accepted that they had a boyfriend on some days and a partner on other days. They loved them regardless of what they identified as and had shown them unconditional love and support. They could've never imagine it happening but they couldn't imagine a life without them.

“Nothing” They said simply, “I'm just really happy. I'm happy and loved and I'm not afraid anymore”

Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin smiled. They all moved and pressed kisses onto Donghyuck's face. They squealed in surprise as they were attacked with kisses on their cheeks, nose and lips.

“We'll protect you” Jeno murmured as they settled down and sleep washed over them.

“We love you” Jaemin whispered as his eyes closed. Renjun took Donghyuck’s hand as his breathing evened out.

“Thank you for being you."

 

 

 _I'll follow that light,_ _  
_ _I wanna wake up (my li-li-life),_

_I'm not afraid anymore_

**Author's Note:**

> Just a couple of notes:  
> \- Donghyuck's relationship with the hyungs evolves throughout the fic. In the beginning Donghyuck feels ignored and abandoned and while the hyungs did mess up, they prove at the end that they do love Donghyuck. Donghyuck accepts his own 'faults' (pushing them away and not being 100% honest with them) so their relationships starts fresh and healthy.  
> \- Donghyuck doesn't identify as anything, he really doesn't want a label, he kind of just goes with the flow. I went through this myself so I'm kind of just putting my own feelings into this so I apologize if it seems inaccurate. Everyone's journey about gender varies.  
> \- Norenhyuckmin are in love, period  
> \- I had to bring Hansol in because I love him but also he was perfect for helping Donghyuck without being too interconnected with NCT.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I have a couple more fics on the way but if you'd like to read a Hyuckhei social media au or keep up with me, my twitter is : nohyuck_  
> Have a good day everyone!


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